TLC Consultants, Inc.

I recently had a mother share a very interesting story with me. She unintentionally walked in on her son and his girlfriend engaging in sexual activity. She was so shocked she didn’t have time to think about how she should respond and she reacted in a very dramatic way, which made the situation even more uncomfortable than it already was.

So, what is a parent to do? This is certainly reason for concern…but panic will not help the situation in any way. As calmly as possible turn around and respectfully encourage the teens to get properly clothed. Give the teens a moment to regain their composure but make sure there is an understanding that a healthy conversation will be taking place. You might want to say something like, “ I am very concerned to find you like this, when you are presentable we will be having a conversation.” Then take a moment to think through a plan of action, be sure to include your spouse in the plan. It will be extremely important for both parents to be involved -a united front in reference to the discipline that will take place is vital.

As the parent, you are first and foremost responsible for your own son or daughter. But you will need to approach both of the involved individuals since you walked in on them together. I would suggest that you explain to the young person that is not your son or daughter that you have an expectation that he or she respect and honor your son or daughter, inform them that as a family you will be discussing what happens next, encourage the teen to inform their own parents about the situation and then excuse them to head home. If this is a young person that you know well or know the family well you might need to get more involved but at the present time I would strongly advise you to focus your time and energy on your own teen. I would also strongly recommend you immediately remove the teen’s ability to communicate with the outside world; remove the phone and the facebook. In situations like this word travels really fast and it’s never in anyone’s best interest. Explain to your teen that you plan to sit down and discuss the situation and what the future holds to ensure they understand that conversations will be happening—soon. During the conversation don’t demoralize them, don’t threaten them or dangle fear over them. Instead, ask them questions, for example, “How could this possibly benefit you and your future?” “What are the risks that automatically accompany such behavior?” It is very important that you, as the parent, realize the risks and don’t just focus on the physical risks-even though pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases will need to be discussed and possibly testing will need to be scheduled. Show concern for their future, their reputation, their overall emotional health…. self discovery will be imperative during this time. Your son or daughter has made a choice and they need to be given the opportunity to understand how that choice could greatly impact their future.

Yelling, screaming, threatening and placing blame at this time will not accomplish the desired goal. Be sure that your teen realizes that you are disappointed but you still love them. Intentionally say to them that you love them and that you want what is best for them. Consistently share with the teen that just because they have chosen to do this in the past does not mean that they have to continue to do so in the future. Set up a plan
of action for changing their normal routine and activities. You can’t change their behavior but often times this type of behavior has become a habit. It will be imperative that you promote a change of the normal routine for the sake of breaking the unhealthy habits in the relationship. Ask them questions to help them identify why the relationship went down the path of sexual activity. I do think consequences for such behavior are appropriate and I would challenge you to really think through the type of consequences you implement and how you will hold the teen accountable.

I know one mom that experienced this situation and she chose to have the daughter serve at a shelter for young women that had unplanned pregnancies and were basically on the streets and in desperate need of assistance. I thought this was a very creative and courageous way to allow her teen to really grasp the magnitude of the choices she was making. Realize that as the parent, you cannot control what the teen chooses to do from this point forward. You are however responsible for challenging them to make better choices, partnering with them in the process and holding them accountable. Don’t expect this to be a quick fix or a onetime discussion. Acknowledge to the teen that the trust that you once had with them has been broken and that it will be a process to rebuild that trust. Be sure they know that you desire for the process to take place but its okay to acknowledge that it will take some time. Provide the teen with an option for counseling and find a counselor that will truly support your goal of renewed virginity and is in line with your values and beliefs. As a parent, you might want to find a friend to share this with but I would strongly advise that you choose this friend very wisely. The only reason for sharing would be for the purpose of support and comfort. Be sure to think it through prior to sharing with anyone.

Also, your teen will most likely go through some social ramifications for their actions. It is very important that as the parent, you act as a lifeline during this time. There is a greater chance of a teen making better choices for their future if they feel that someone is on their side.

This will be a challenging time for the family but intentional love and discipline will provide better results than denial or anger. I would encourage you to equip the teen for better choices in the future rather than focusing on the disappointment of what you have already experienced.

Activities for equipping a teen in reference to this Talli Talk are:

• Renewed Virginity 101
• Purpose of Dating
• Successful Dating 101
• The Freedom Finder

By Talli Moellering

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